This one thing has haunted me, making me angry, desolate, sad, hateful, and insecure. It's called grief.
I've never lost a loved one to a physical death. Therefore, I haven't considered myself ever needing to "grieve the loss" of anyone. But after a dream I had last night, God is speaking to my heart ; revealing truth to me.
The truth is, I lost my father and I have never taken time to grieve.
When you read my book, Raised by Strangers, you will understand the whole story.
I've had to sever any contact with my dad to protect myself from him.
So, I buried him in my mind and I speak of him as dead.
But truth be told, he is very much alive. Not only physically alive; but in my mind, visions, dreams and memories. My heart hurts right now for the dad I never had. For the man who should have loved me but abandoned me. My soul and my being wants my dad to love and approve of me, but I honestly accept that will never happen.
I had a vivid dream about my dad last night. He was helping me with my kids and being a "real" dad. He was kind and not condescending; he was helpful and protective; not obnoxious and selfish. Yes, it certainly was a dream; a made up story in my imagination of something I only wish would have happened for real.
However, that relationship, that time, that father; he is gone, lost and broken.
He is distant, cold, harsh, and not a "real father".
It's time to face the truth. It's time to grieve.
It's time to stop being hurt, angry, frustrated and trying to change things.
I didn't know it until this morning. But truth is refreshing and my spirit is overwhelmed by God's goodness and faithfulness. I choose to accept I need to grieve. I choose to move forward. I know it will be a slow process because for some reason it is the most painful event and experience in my life. Even after my own mother abandoned me;
my father who is loveless, hurts more.
In the bible Jesus heals the paralytic at the pool of Bethesda. He says to the man, "Do you want to get well?" (John 5:6)............ Sometimes the answer is in the question. Do you want to get well? What if our healing was dependent on us wanting to get well and receive it? What if the only thing keeping us from healing was ourselves? My answer is, " yes Lord, I want to get well." What is your answer?
Let us pray:
Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the Great I Am. You are King of Kings and Mighty God. You are our Healer and everything we need. We come before You and surrender our whole beings to You. You are our Creator and know us better than we know ourselves. We say, "yes." We want healing. We want to know the truth because your word says the truth will set us free. In our darkest moments and in our worst pain, you are with us and will never leave us nor forsake us. It is your desire for us to be healthy and full of your joy unspeakable. Draw us close to you. Help us to forgive, release all hurt, pain, anger, and bitterness to You. Remind us that You are all we need. You know our hearts and exactly what we have gone through. Please start working in us at this very moment and shine your light upon us. Embrace us with Your love and fill us with your peace that surpasses all understanding. We are expecting great things from You. Thank you. Amen
Passionately leading you closer to Jesus Christ. Helping you break through insecurity and doubt, encouraging you to live a life of freedom and healing. Motivating you to a deeper level of faith in Jesus Christ.